a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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