evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
