I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize