I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
