You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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