the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
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I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
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The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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