Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
What happened to fro yo and sex?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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