whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
