you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
