she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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