i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
