insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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