sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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