She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
