So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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