South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
