Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
