I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
We had to coat check the pizza.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
