he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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