I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
