I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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