New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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