if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
