if you like me you must not know who I am
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
