Porn is love you can see.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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