she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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