what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
