How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
