Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor