He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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