the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
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Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..