just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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