How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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