70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm too high and old for this...
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