nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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