the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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