I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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