You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
