You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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