Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
