This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
