can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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