You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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