Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
