Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
