Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
