Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar