Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
