did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
