its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
