Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
