I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
