I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
