Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
