shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
