The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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