Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
