how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
