If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
