apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
