You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
